I am angry. So angry because I don’t understand why our baby was taken. I’m bitter. Bitter at those that don’t try to conceive, and instead end up with children that were ‘accidents’. I’m sad. Looking at myself I can see that my belly is back to normal now. I am jealous. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant, and they won’t shut up about it.
Even my ex’s new wife is expecting. She is due three days after what my due date would have been. When we found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t wait to tell my daughter Chloe when she came home! I wanted to be able to tell MY daughter that she was going to be a big sister. Now, that was taken from me. Her step-mom even bought her a cute shirt that says “sister” on it. They made sure she wore it for a video that was sent to me for Christmas.
It was during Thanksgiving dinner when my husband and I shared the news with all our friends – man we were SO excited! We would sit on the couch for hours going through baby names. Looking at him so happy made me cry. He was absolutely beaming.
I knew something wasn’t right before my ultrasound appointment. My symptoms were completely gone and I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. This may sound crazy but, I had been having dreams about this fish swimming and splashing around in the water. A few days before my doc visit my dream was that the fish jumped up onto a deck, and was flopping around trying to breathe. My fears at my appointment were matched when the doctor said, “Well the heartbeat that was there a couple days ago…is no more. Your baby has died.”
After the shock of the news, he asked me what I wanted to do. “I have no idea. What are we even talking about. I’ve never been through this before. Wait, why?” Mat was in the corner of the room trying to hold himself together. He was determined to stay strong for the both of us. The doctor proceeded to talk about the process, and I honestly didn’t hear a word he said. I felt like my heart was on the floor.
I decided to miscarry at home figuring it would be more comfortable. Because I am RH negative, I had to buy Rhogam and get that shot first before the whole process. Then I needed to take medication so my body would begin to expel what it needed to expel. I went through contractions, and had moments of panic – it was terrifying. The one thing that haunts me is that our child, only 11 weeks old, was flushed unknowingly down the toilet. I was told this happens – what a relief?
My husband is my hero. He wouldn’t let me get up without him, and he saw everything happening to me for a full week. I could tell the pain he was going through and it was heart-wrenching. He was hurting just as much as I. He took off work and made sure the house was kept, the clothes were clean, and that I was cared for. He called for appointments and even watched countless movies with me. I cannot live without this man.
Now, a month later, I am still spending hundreds of dollars for blood-work and am faced with the fact that I am no longer pregnant everyday. Every doctor’s appointment I am met with waddling women complaining about what a pain carrying a baby is – shut the hell up. Ladies if you’re expecting a baby be aware that you’re in mixed company.
Miscarriage is an extremely lonely grieving process. It won’t go away. I feel like the sweetest joys in my life have been…taken. However, I refuse to stay angry. I will not stay bitter. I cannot remain sad. I won’t be jealous. I will trust that God will lift us up and keep us strong. He’s never failed me before, and even though we hurt now I know there HAD to have been a reason…I’m choosing to trust that. If I don’t I will surely drown. Walking forward, loving deeply, passionate compassion, and eyes open that even the smallest things are the heart’s pure joy.
– Jess Carpenter , CQ